i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
