Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
