I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
