pedialite and red bull = repair kit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We need to get me chipped asap
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
