when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
