I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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