I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
