no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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