just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
