She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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