Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
