there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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