The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
