I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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