dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well I can't set my house on fire every night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
