I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Church boner. Awkwardddd
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
