i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
