i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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