i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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