in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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