i need an iv and a liver transplant
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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