Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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