So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dear god my vagina.
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