Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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