You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
