I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
