you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
