....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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