Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
