just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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