$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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