It's Friday. Sex?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize