just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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