Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
