Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
