he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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