I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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