I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
