Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
