Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
