New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
