I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i think my cat just said my name.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
