Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
