I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
