i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You ruined the universe
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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