im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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