defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
As shirtless as possible
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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