gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
