Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
