And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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