sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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