I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
