what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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