My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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