She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
