Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ladies don't puke and tell
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
