Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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