Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
