thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
