yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize