he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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